


Stay

by justanotherfangirlpassingthrough



Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bittersweet, Bittersweet Ending, But he's trying, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Grief/Mourning, Heartache, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, Jungkook’s not the type of guy who’d do well in a pretend relationship, M/M, Minor Character Death, Mutual Pining, Please dont read this if you dont like sad stuff, Romance, So am I tbh, no sexual content just sadness, some heavy topics, they're all sad, this is just one big monologue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-15 07:07:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29929731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanotherfangirlpassingthrough/pseuds/justanotherfangirlpassingthrough
Summary: You must understand why I’d made the horrible mistake of thinking I was special to you.OrJungkook has a lot he wants to say to his Jimin Hyung.
Relationships: Jeon Jungkook/Park Jimin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	Stay

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to this purely self indulgent piece of crap that I sleep-typed at 4 am.
> 
> Some questionable narrative choices have been made, I won't even try to defend myself. But eh, here ya go.
> 
> Also, please read the tags

You've been cruel to me, Hyung.

Sure, I've let you get away with it, I'm part offender, but I can't let you off the hook anymore.

All of this started because you thought it was fucking hilarious- the look of clear disgust on Mrs Hansung's face when you told her you were gay. You thought it'd be even funnier if one day, she saw us walk past her window holding hands on our way back home from work. I credited the skip in my heartbeat when you grabbed my hand to the general lack of human touch in my life at the time.

We were still strangers back then, I'd moved into the apartment two months ago. But you knew I frequented gay bars and I knew you'd dated men in the past.

What started as a harmless joke, became a routine. We'd get progressively more creative with our antics. Some days, you'd wrap your arm around my waist on our walks back from the subway and whisper flirtations into my ear and I'd laugh and lean in to whisper something equally lewd, trying to see who'd break character and start laughing first. We were the sensational gay couple-- the talk of our little neighborhood. It worked like a charm on dear old Mrs Hansung, who'd drop what she was doing and glare at us with all the disapproval of an elementary school teacher.

I tried to play it cool back then, reverting to my usual quiet self once the front door to our apartment closed, but I'd be lying if I said that my mind didn't linger dreamily on those few moments of faux intimacy. I liked it an unreasonable amount. I liked _you_ an unreasonable amount.

One week into this charade, there was a knock on the door and we answered it to a slightly abashed Kim Sooyeon, Mrs Hansung's daughter. She invited herself in and apologized profusely for her mother's narrow mindedness, she even brought cookies as an apology gift and gushed about how lucky we were to have each other in such an unforgiving world. It was sweet, and we didn't have the heart to tell her that we were simply messing with the old lady. So we played along.

You told her the story of how we met- without changing much from reality, except when you mentioned that my eyes held stars and that it took you just a few days to fall for my "gentle heart", as you called it. You were so convincing Hyung, I almost believed you myself.

We soon learned the hard way that the world was too damn small. Kim Sooyeon, as it turned out, was the first cousin of Kim Taehyung, your best friend since childhood. You received a barrage of excited texts after Chuseok from Taehyung Hyung, asking about our 'relationship' and how you hadn't ever mentioned me before.

Kim Taehyung has always held a special place in your life. He'd been a true friend and a brother to you (and to me now) I understood perfectly well, even back then, that it would be hard for you to rip the band-aid of expectations when it came to Tae. It should not have surprised you that I agreed to keep up pretenses in front of Taehyung Hyung.

Besides, could I ever have denied myself the sight of your perfect smile?

Taehyung Hyung came over the week after that, and even though he and I were barely even acquaintances at the time, we got along almost instantly. He wanted to know everything about us, and we obliged. We'd gotten pretty good at playing our roles by then.

It was around this time, I started to realize that maybe I'd bitten off more than I could chew because Taehyung Hyung-- your kind, charming, extroverted best friend, had soon decided to adopt me-- the introverted recluse who'd just moved to Seoul-- into your social circle. He'd call me personally when your friends made plans with you, he'd try his very best to make me feel included, he even went as far as to add me into all your groupchats.

And so in the company of your friends, we played the part of lovers despite never having touched one another aside from innocent hand holding and occasional hugs. Our reasoning at the time was something along the lines of "it's easier to play along than to deny all accusations" or some bullshit like that. We were such idiots.

But it truly was easy-- everything was oh-so easy with you, Hyung.

As time flew by, our walls began to crumble, or well-- you began to smash them down with a sledgehammer. And my feelings of foreboding lasted only until I saw the way you looked at me when Tae and your other friends were around. The way you slipped your fingers in between mine underneath the table, the way you'd lean against me as we sat around chatting late into the night.

Was any of it real to you?

Did you know back when you kissed me at the karaoke bar that I'd been dreaming of your lips for months? Surely the look in my eyes had given me away?

These questions swirl through my head now, but I couldn't have given less of a fuck back then. You were looking at me and no one else, and that was somehow enough.

Things began spiraling out of control pretty quick for me after that point. I couldn't figure out where the act began and reality ended. The lines were getting alarmingly blurry, but I didn’t care. My affection for you bled through our everyday lives, even when there was no one around to fool. I bought a car, and I'd drive us to work and back, sometimes waiting an unreasonably long time for you to get off work just so we could share the drive home together.

And I want to believe it was the same for you. To some extent at least.

Why else would you send those silly edible arrangements (which were terrible for my diet in hindsight) everytime I landed a gig? Why else would you spend hours poring over my portfolio, helping me redesign it? Why else would you barge into my room, armed with takeaway food and your netflix subscription every time you sensed I'd had a rough day at work?

You listened to me, even when I didn’t make sense to myself. You made me laugh, even on the days I wanted to bury my head in a pillow and cry.

You cared for me, Hyung. Even when no one else was watching.

And it fucked with my brain.

I wanted it all to be real. I didn’t ever want to see you look at anyone else the way you looked at me.

But of course, It didn’t take long for that metaphorical rug to be pulled out from underneath me.

I’d been dragged to Itaewon by a bunch of work friends one Friday night. A few drinks in, I noticed you on the dance floor with a couple of guys (probably from work too).

I went from thinking about how I’d rather be home, to not wanting to be anywhere else in mere seconds. The effect you had on me was frightening.

I was distracted all night, I imagined myself walking up to your little group, slipping a hand around your waist and introducing myself to your friends. I almost convinced myself to do it too.

But then I saw the way you laughed, and the way you threw yourself at one of the guys, forgetting yourself in your delight at something he said. I watched as the man whose arms you were now in brushed aside your hair tenderly and pulled you in for a hug-- or maybe something more-- I don’t know, because I didn’t stay.

You must understand why I’d made the horrible mistake of thinking I was special to you. You must understand that I didn’t know what it was like to have friends before college, I was homeschooled all my life, and then film school in New York was a different kind of lonely. I made friends there of course, but none like you, Park Jimin. You wear your heart on your sleeve, you love so freely, and care without any regard for your own self.

I realised that you loved me like you loved everyone else, I was just a fool who thought he could keep some of that love for himself.

I lay in bed late that night, waiting for your soft footsteps to trail past my bedroom door, but you never came.

Sleep decided to keep its distance too and that's how I found myself scrolling through your social media accounts. This is exceptionally embarrassing to admit but I was trying to find the man you were dancing with. I wanted to know who he was to you, and why you smiled at him like that.

Social media didn't have all the answers to my questions, but it did give me a name-- Kim Namjoon.

I fell into an internet rabbit hole, trying to find as much as I could about the man. Call me a masochist, and you'd probably be right.

Kim Namjoon was tall, handsome, smart and rich. How did someone so perfect even exist, I wondered. The more I learned about him, the more I realized that I never did stand a chance with you, Hyung.

When the sun rays filtered through my curtains, I finally knew that this needed to stop. This whole thing with you was supposed to be silly-- a fun little inside joke between us. But it seemed like my stupid heart didn’t want to stop there. I’d deluded myself into thinking that whatever we shared could be something more, something _real_. And as a result I was hurting and losing sleep and wasting time pining after someone who was never meant to be mine.

I cornered you the next day, armed with the kind of motivation only self preservation could bring, and announced through gritted teeth that I wanted to stop.

What I didn’t expect was the look of absolute shock on your face, like you’d been slapped. I immediately wanted to take back my words, but I held my ground.

 _“Y-you want us to break up?”_ you’d asked with wide eyes.

 _“I mean, we were never together in the first place-- but yeah Hyung. I want to break up.”_ I tried to play it cool, but you didn’t see my hands shaking in my pockets. _“Taehyung Hyung and Hoseok Hyung would understand, wouldn’t they?”_ I pressed on, feeling like a speeding car on a collision course, _“We’ve been putting on this act for nearly 7 months now. A lot of relationships don’t last that long, so it’s fine, isn’t it?”_

You stood there for some time, looking completely lost. Your wide eyes searched the room frantically for something-- an escape route? I didn't know. I’d never seen you like this before and I didn’t understand it. Why was this affecting you so much?

For a moment there, I almost thought you’d refuse my request. But in the end you nodded with hunched shoulders and a resigned sigh. I watched with guilt twisting my guts as you dragged your feet back to your room. An indignant part of me wanted to point out that it was you who danced carefree in another man’s arms last night while I couldn’t even bring myself to look at anyone who wasn’t Park Jimin.

You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

You didn’t make it far before stopping midway, turning around, and confronting me once more with a pained frown.

_“Has Hyung ever been bad to you, Jungkookah?”_

I shook my head almost immediately.

 _“Did I make you feel uncomfortable then?”_ You bounced on the balls of your feet in agitation.

I’d started to panic by then, _“No Hyung, I-”_

_“Are you seeing someone? Is that it?”_

_“No, but I-”_

_“No, but you want to?”_

I didn’t know how to respond to that, and to my surprise, you let out an almost relieved laugh at my hesitation.

_“Hey, this arrangement of ours, it doesn’t mean we cannot see other people. Go out there and have fun, Jungkookah, I would never stop you from meeting new people. All I ask is that you- you stay by my side when we’re with Tae and Hobi- just- until New Years- please- and then we can stop.”_

I didn’t know why, but all my frustrations from the night before bubbled back up to the surface at this. You always wanted to keep me close, but _never_ close enough. I may have chosen to ignore it in the past, but I was tired of playing pretend. I slowly shook my head, _“I can’t do this anymore, Hyung.”_ , and walked back into my bedroom and shut the door.

I heard frantic knocking on my door just as I shut it.

 _“Jungkookie, I’m sorry-”_ Your desperate yell sounded from the other side and I stood frozen, my heart beating violently in my chest, _“I can tell that you’re hurt, and I don’t know what I did but I’m_ **_so sorry_ ** _-”_

I rushed to pull the door open before you could finish your sentence, and the second we faced each other again, you launched yourself at me with full force, sending us stumbling back into my room. _“You don’t have to do it anymore, I’m sorry, I didn’t consider how tiring it must be for you to pretend, I’ve just been thinking of myself like a selfish prick-”_

 _“Ah no Hyung, don’t say that. You’re not selfish. It's me-- I'm just very tired, I guess”_ I mumbled as I let my arms encircle you gingerly.

 _"I understand, you don't have to explain yourself. It's okay, we can stop."_ I could feel your shoulders rising and your fingers forming fists around the fabric of my shirt in your attempt to hold me closer and I didn’t know if the feelings I felt were even allowed, considering the discussion we’d just had.

It was awkward between us after that day. You were clearly avoiding our car rides with a few well thought out excuses that I would’ve believed if not for everything that’d happened over the weekend. It was almost as if you were tiptoeing around me now, careful with your touches, careful with your words too. All this distance between us put into perspective just how close we used to be.

I missed it all so desperately, called myself a moron for ever thinking this could fix things and ease the ache when all it did was make me want you more.

Which is why I think maybe I imagined this next bit- but there was something else that’d changed too. You kept your distance, but your eyes- they lingered. I would catch you staring at me from over your morning cup of joe, or any other time you thought I wouldn’t notice. The look in your eyes confused me, I’d never seen it before. There was concern, probably even worry, and then something else- well, maybe I did imagine it.

When Hobi and Tae came over to visit the next weekend, you dropped the news that we’d broken up out of absolutely nowhere.

Your friends were confused more than anything else, they pointed out several times that we were taking it surprisingly well for two people who’d just broken up. We managed to shrug it all off with a _“We’re still planning to be friends”_

Hobi bought it without asking too many questions, but Tae was unusually silent that night.

I never told you this, but Taehyung Hyung texted me after he left our place. He wanted to know if everything was really as ‘ok’ between us as we made it out to be. He said that he could see I was hurting, and that I could talk to him if I needed anything.

Of course, I couldn't possibly talk to him about any of this. So I told him we were fine, and that he didn’t have to worry about us.

 _I don’t know Jungkookie, you didn’t look okay to me and Jiminie is one of the best actors I know. He has a habit of pretending to be alright when he’s actually breaking on the inside. And last night… I could see that he was on his act again_ \- came Hyung’s somewhat startling reply.

I didn’t know what to make of it back then.

We hurtled through our busy work lives as the year drew to a close. You were barely home, probably out planning kickass Christmas and New Years parties for high profile celebrities or something, and I was stuck in last minute camera work and Post Production for a New Year’s eve TV Special.

I found solace in our mornings together- those few minutes of caffeine fueled bustle, when we co-existed in the same space. We shared a morning playlist that we’d blast through the house and I’d steal glances at you in between my sit-ups as you jammed to the music, pretending your hairdryer was a mic. We’d sing along as we made breakfast, and then sit together at the table, making trivial small talk.

I didn’t get to see you any other time of the day, and it wouldn’t be a stretch to say that my mornings with you kept me sane.

For a brief moment, I thought this would be enough.

At least this time around, I didn’t have to second guess every little thing we did together. I knew that the friendship we had was real. We still shared the stupidest memes with each other, you still dragged me along to drink with Tae and Hobi Hyung on Saturday nights. It was enough.

But somewhere around mid December, you started to skip breakfast. At first I didn’t even catch you leave because you’d rush out of the house even before I got out of the shower. On the third day though, I tried to pack you some food, worried that you were overworking yourself, but you refused vehemently, almost physically stopping me from doing anything at your expense.

This was the first time I’d properly seen you in days, and you didn’t look okay. Your eyes were sunken behind your dark rimmed glasses and you looked like you hadn’t eaten in days. I tried to catch hold of you, ask you what was wrong, but you seemed to take personal offence at my concern.

And so with stinging eyes and a lump in my throat, I let you go. It was excruciating to see you like his, but you wouldn’t let me help you, or even talk to me about anything.

As It turned out, I wasn’t the only one you were pushing away- an anxious looking Kim Namjoon was at our doorstep the night after Christmas.

You walked out of your room to meet him at the door in your night things, looking so small and so different from the confident man I’d seen at the night club all those weeks ago. Your whispers carried to the quiet living room and I couldn’t help but overhear.

_“Won’t you come over tonight, Minnie?”_

_“I’m sorry, I- I can’t”_

_“I just- don’t want you to spend tonight alone, Minnie. Please, let me take you home.”_

You must’ve refused because there was a long sigh and Namjoon continued, _“Everyone misses you, especially mom and Noona.”_

_“You shouldn’t be here, Joon. You should be with them.”_

_“I don’t break my promises, Minnie. I am here if you need anything at all, I hope you know that.”_

_“I’m fine. I don’t need anything. Goodbye Joon.”_

You closed the door and hobbled back to your room with hunched shoulders and eyes on the floor.

I couldn’t take it any longer, we were friends, weren’t we? And as your friend, I had every right to be worried for you. So I got to your bedroom door before you did, blocked your way and damn near begged you to tell me what was wrong. _“I know you’ve been troubled for the last few days, Hyung, but you don’t have to go through this alone, whatever this is. Let me help you, Please.”_

But you just stood there shaking your head at the floor, and before I knew what was happening, you’d fallen to your knees, hands covering your face as you sobbed openly for the first time since I’d known you.

Fear and panic coursed through me as I ran into your room to fetch a blanket and somehow managed to get you up to the couch. I sat there beside you as you cried silently- the memory’s still raw in mind- you were bent over, an elbow on your knee, a hand clutched painfully at your hair and your other hand held tight in mine. I couldn’t help but wonder why you were having a breakdown in the middle of the night, and each scenario was more frightful than the next in my head.

We sat there long after your sobs subsided. Your eyes were trained on the floor the entire time, and your slightly wet blond fringe cast a dark shadow on your face. I got you a cup of water from the kitchen at some point in the night. You accepted it with a whispered _'thank you'_.

I didn’t know what else I could do, so I just stayed by your side, feeling more helpless than I ever remembered feeling.

Once you'd gulped down the water and set the glass on the coffee table, you slumped against the couch and rubbed your eyes with both palms, breathing in deep, shuddering breaths.

 _"I'm so- so tired, Jungkookah"_ , your low, slightly hoarse whisper rang through our silent living room.

My chest felt heavy and my hands itched to reach out and hold you. But I sat there, waiting for you to form words.

You dug the heels of your palms against the sides of your head with a grimace, like you were physically trying to keep it together, _"It's been three full years, but the pain- the pain doesn’t stop"_

In my naivety, I’d never thought I would see someone as fierce and strong as you look so beat down and defeated. It was unnerving- watching someone I loved so dearly come apart in front of my eyes like that. I desperately tried to think of something to say, to keep you from falling apart entirely. But I was never good at this sort of thing- I wished Namjoon and his deep voice were here beside you- or Taehyung Hyung, who knew exactly what to say at all times- or Hobi Hyung, who could make you smile no matter how worried you were.

But instead you were stuck with me, your awkward flatmate, who didn’t even know why you were hurting in the first place.

I watched as you sat up a little straighter and drew in a quivering breath, staring with unseeing eyes at the little patch of moonlight that shimmered on the floor tiles. _“There’s so much I haven’t told you about me, Jungkookah. The ‘me’ you know today is very different from who I used to be three years ago. I was happy then, I was in love.”_ you let out a sad little laugh, _“I know how corny that sounds, but we didn’t care. Minjoon and I were that annoyingly loud couple who gave every mutual friend second-hand embarrassment. We didn’t care at all.”_

You seemed lost in wistful silence for a while and I began to dread where this story was headed, because judging by the look in your eyes, this did not have a happy ending. I slowly reached for your hand, and hoped that you knew you were not as alone as you felt.

Our intertwined fingers seemed to pull you out of your reverie, you looked down at it and continued as if you’d never stopped, _“We had five beautiful years together. I loved every second of it. I loved him so much that I was going to ask him to marry me on new years eve. Nothing extravagant, I just wanted to cook a nice meal and ask him to stay by my side for a long time. It would've been lovely, but fate decided to be cruel to us.”_ you turned to face me and blew out a puff of air, like you were trying to laugh, but to my dismay, tears leaked down your wide eyes once more, _“I don’t know why I’m telling you this. I've never said any of this out loud before.”_ you wiped the tears like you were swatting annoying flies. _“Minjoon Hyung got in a road accident the night after Christmas. He passed away four days later on a hospital bed. I was by his side the whole time, nothing I could do but watch.”_

It was a special type of pain, witnessing a loved one mourn. Like a phantom limb I had no control over-- and it fucking hurt. My bitter heart broke for you, a tiny part of it broke for me as well, because you were the person I cared about most.

But I couldn’t fix your grief.

All I could do was inch closer and offer my warmth as you continued to spill your heart out to me.

 _“All I was left with in the end was a cardboard box of used things and a million different memories that filtered through my grief. Acceptance didn’t come easy. Coming to terms with the fact that all the amazing things he was, everything he made me feel, all of his nuances-- I’d never get to see any of it again. I still have trouble sometimes- it’s been three full years and I still have trouble fully believing he’s gone. Can you believe it?”_ You looked up at me just in time to catch the tears trickling out of my eyes. I turned away quickly to wipe them off and felt a soft weight tugging at my side-- you’d rested your head against my shoulder.

I felt ashamed for not being strong enough, for not being the support you needed in that moment, _“I’m so sorry, Hyung.”_ I whispered.

You squeezed my hand, which was still snugly intertwined within yours, _“Don’t be, Jungkookie. Thank you-- for everything.”_

I remember waking up the next morning and realizing that I’d fallen asleep on the couch with my cheek pressed against your chest and your legs caging me in that cramped space. I remember nearly falling off the couch when I noticed you stirring awake. I remember that brief moment when I was pushing myself off of the couch and our eyes met, you smiled softly up at me and wished me a good morning as if this was just another day. I remember being startled by the doorbell a few seconds later and actually falling off the couch for real.

My mother has always had impeccable timing, but she’d outdone herself this time.

She was apparently “just passing through” and “wanted to check in on her son”, but I knew something wasn't right when her eyes landed on you and she immediately rushed ahead to grab your hand and shake it, going on about how she’d heard _so much_ about you from me.

Which could not be true because I’d never mentioned you to her even once.

When I pulled her into my room and confronted her about it, she went on an emotional tangent about how her youngest son never told her anything and how she was afraid she would lose me soon at this rate. _“Of course I lied to Jimin Ssi, I wanted to earn 'cool mom' points. What was he going to think if he found out that I didn’t know about my own son’s love life?”_

_“My love life? What’s any of this got to do with that?”_

_“Don’t act all innocent with me, Jungkookie. You do remember how I like to visit your instagram when I miss you too much. And so I was scrolling through all the pictures you were tagged in the other day. This Kim Taehyung boy seems to love posting pictures of you and Jimin Ssi. And my! The captions!”_ She fanned herself dramatically and I had to stifle a groan, remembering Tae's 'my favorite couple' series, in which he would post discreetly taken photos of us looking very much like the boyfriends we were pretending to be, _“I mean, I have eyes, Jungkook, I’ve never seen you look more happy than you did in those pictures.”_

Why did my mother have to be so unusually tech savvy for someone her age?

And this wasn’t even what had my heart racing erratically in my chest, there was a whole new elephant in the room now-- _“You- you know that I’m gay?”_

Growing up in a big family, it seemed like a pain to even think about revealing my sexuality to them. So I’d never bothered.

My mother simply smiled a sad little smile at me from where she was seated on my bed, _“You’ve always been a quiet child, Jungkookie. I could never get you to open up. I’d always feared that you’d grow up and move out and never talk to us again. These last few years, it almost felt like my fears were coming true."_ She sighed wearily, _"I’m sorry if we as a family ever made you feel like it was unsafe to open up to us.”_

A mix of gratitude and relief came over me as I walked up and knelt by my mother’s side. I lay my head on her lap and her hands came up naturally to file through my hair. Warm and cozy memories from childhood washed through me with every stroke of her hand. _“I’m sorry if I ever made you worry, mom.”_

She chuckled, _“I’d worry no matter what, Jungkookie, it’s in my job description. Just promise you won’t cut me out of your life. You can tell me things without ever having to worry that I’ll judge you for it. I love you no matter what ok?”_

I simply nodded because there weren’t enough words to describe the relief hitting me from all sides at that moment. It felt like a massive weight had been lifted off me.

 _“You can start by introducing me to your boyfriend”_ she bent down to catch my eye with a gentle, coaxing smile.

My chest tightened all of a sudden and I sat up straight, _“Um- mom, he- Jimin Hyung is not my boyfriend. We aren’t dating or anything-”_

 _“But you like him.”_ it was a statement, not a question.

I didn’t respond. I didn’t know how to.

_“Does he treat you well?”_

I nodded, feeling like a child.

_“Ok, well- are you happy?”_

_“I- I’ll get there.”_ I said, even though it was a little hard to believe at the moment.

My mother gave me a sympathetic smile and sighed, _“Ahh, young love. It wears you down, doesn't it? You deserve to be loved, Jungkookie. don’t you ever forget that, ok? If it isn’t him, you’ll find it elsewhere, yeah?”_

And with that, she heaved herself off the bed, _“Come on, I brought you loads of food.”_

The kitchen table was laden with breakfast by the time we were out of my bedroom. Mom stayed for a while, and you had no trouble charming her into conversation as she stocked our fridge with everything she’d managed to haul over (the food was clearly packed for two)

By the end of your impromptu bonding session with my mom-- which involved a crash course on family histories and a few hasty recipe exchanges, you looked like you'd known each other for a lot longer than just the last couple of hours. It was somehow alarming and amusing at the same time.

And so your first encounter with my mother was surprisingly smooth sailing-- well, at least I thought so.

Before parting ways though, my mother pulled you aside, held you at arm's length, all mom-like and said, _“My son doesn’t talk a lot, but he cares deeply. Sometimes he cares too much for his own good. Thank you for looking out for him, Jimin ssi. Please take care of him from here on out as well.”_ She finished with a full, deep, ninety degree bow.

My brain barely managed to comprehend what she'd just said when I noticed the look on your face.

You were panicking.

I could tell because you'd gone pale and you were breathing in short, shallow breaths.

I rushed to distract my mother with a goodbye hug and offered to drive her to the train station.

As I hastily ushered her out the door, I noticed from the corner of my eyes that you hadn't moved from where she'd left you and your eyes were wide and unseeing.

It was like watching a train wreck in real time-- I didn't have a clue why my mother chose to say those things to you, neither did I get why you looked like you’d just seen a ghost. I was confused on the way to the station and stressed on the way back home.

I just hoped I could fix this.

But you weren't home when I returned.

It didn’t bother me much at first. You’re usually never home on Sundays so this was totally normal. When it looked like you weren’t home the next morning, I dropped a quick text. You didn’t reply though and by the next day, I’d started to panic. You weren’t receiving my calls and neither was Teahyung Hyung. Hobi Hyung didn’t know either and he’d started to worry by then too. Just when I was about to organize a fucking search party, you texted.

_Something’s come up and I had to go back to Busan for a bit. I’m okay, please don’t worry._

That was two weeks ago.

It's been radio silence since then.

You've been cruel to me, Hyung.

You left me here, by myself in this wretched apartment, and as much as I want to believe your texts about the family emergency that drove you home, I know that's not the whole truth.

Because I've hurt you too.

The more I think about it, the more I regret letting you push me away after our “break up”. Things wouldn't have gone this far downhill, I think, if I hadn't gotten ahead of myself with all my assumptions about you.

Kim Namjoon, for instance-- turns out he’s your late boyfriend’s little brother. Turns out you’d both promised Minjoon that you’d look out for each other. He is like family to you.

I feel like a fool for trivializing your bond. But that’s what being in a fake relationship with you did to me, it made me overthink and second guess-- it made me paranoid and I hated that side of myself.

But I think I’m starting to see why you wanted to be in a pretend relationship in the first place, and it breaks my heart all over again.

People save people in the end, Hyung. And it’s never grand- like a superhero movie or anything. For me, it was having you as a friend when I’d just moved to this city. I don’t really think I could thank you enough for all you’ve done for me when I was struggling with work and with making friends.

We are not designed to go through any of this alone, after all. Which is why I want to be there for you, even if it means I have to be your fake boyfriend again, I’ll do it.

I wish you’d let me.

\---

\---

It’s mid-afternoon when Jungkook hears a click in the lock. Stepping out of his room for the first time all day to investigate, he finds Jimin’s bedroom door ajar and the lights switched on inside. He takes a deep steadying breath and walks as calmly as he can manage up to the open door.

“Jesus Christ, you scared me, Jungkook!” Jimin nearly yells, clutching at his heart.

“Well I live here, so…” Jungkook trails off with a non-committal shrug.

“I thought you’d be at work.”

“Didn’t feel like it today.”

“Oh, is everything alright?” Jimin asks with a concerned frown.

Jungkook surveys the room around Jimin. Clothes strewn on the bed, wardrobe doors and drawers open, and Jimin’s holding an expensive looking jacket in his hands. “What are you doing here, Jimin?” He doesn’t mean to sound cold, but it comes off that way regardless.

Jimin looks lost for a second, and then, as if suddenly remembering what he’s holding, he lifts the jacket up as an indication, “There’s this- uh, gala thing at work, and I need the jacket-”

“I thought you were in Busan, how’re you getting to work from there? When did you even return to Seoul?” Jungkook leans against the doorframe with folded arms and a frown.

Jimin scrunches his face in a grimace, pinches the bridge of his nose, turns around, walks up to his bed, seems to change his mind and walks back to face Jungkook all in two seconds. “I thought you’d be at work, ok? That’s why I came over.” he throws his hands up in the air, looking defeated.

“So you’ve been avoiding me.”

Jimin is walking around the room now, throwing all his clothes back into the closet with extra force than necessary.

“Do I not deserve to know the reason?” Jungkook presses on, his tone gentler than before.

Jimin stops what he’s doing and lets out a resigned sigh, “When I saw your mom, saw how happy she was to see me, it reminded me instantly of Minjoon’s mom and the way she looked at me the first time we met and- and I’m not _good_ for you Jungkook. I am not whole, I’m broken. Everything reminds me of him. It’s been three goddamn years and I still haven’t been able to pick myself up. Tae and Hobi have been worried sick, and I couldn’t anymore- all the concerned whispers when they thought I wasn’t listening, all the subtle ways they tried to set me up with people- I knew what they were doing, and I _hated_ making them worry. When Tae texted me asking about you all those months ago, he sounded so _relieved_ that I was finally seeing someone again. And suddenly, it was like I’d found a solution to most of my problems-- with you by my side I could at least pretend like I was okay. Don’t you see? I made you lie to Tae and Hobi without even considering the toll it would take on you. I was selfish, and- and a horrible friend. And as if that wasn’t enough, your sweet, lovely mom brings me all this food and actually _thanks_ me for looking after you, when it was really the other way round, I felt like an invasive thing, like I’d intruded on your kindness and your warmth and I’ve nothing to give back-”

“Woah, Hyung- Hyung-” Jungkook walks up to Jimin and places steadying hands on either side of him, “Why'd you think you _made_ me do any of this?” Jungkook lifts Jimin’s chin so that they’re making eye contact again, and he frowns, a disturbing thought flashing through his brain, “Is this also why you stopped having breakfast with me?”

Jimin looks away again “I’d realized by then that I’d been relying on you for comfort a little too much. Unhealthy coping mechanisms and everything…” The air seemingly changes between them. Jimin is red in the face now, like he’d just revealed something he shouldn’t have, and it only makes Jungkook want to pull him closer.

”I’d never have said yes to being fake boyfriends if I didn’t have my own stupid, selfish reasons too, you know.” Jungkook says quietly.

Jimin snaps back to look at him with curious eyes.

Jungkook snorts at the confusion on his Hyung’s face, “Come on Jimin, did you actually think I’m _that_ good of an actor? That I could pretend to like you _that much_? Do you know why I was so goddamn convincing?” he raises an eyebrow at Jimin, whos eyes are as wide as saucers at this point.

When Jungkook detects a hint of panic on Jimin’s face, he presses on, “This is not me asking if you want to be more than friends or anything, Jimin” he sighs, still holding on to Jimin like he’s a lifeline, “All I ask is this, if what we had meant _anything_ at all to you, then please, just stay. I don’t care if there are no labels, none of it matters if you stay.” Jungkook cannot bring himself to look at Jimin anymore, he keeps his eyes trained on their feet and notices that his legs are shaking.

“Jungkookah…” Jimin takes a step back, shaking his head, “You deserve so much more than me-”

“You don’t get to decide that, Hyung. And you're severely underestimating yourself if you think I can walk out of here and find a nicer, stronger, cooler person. Heck, I wouldn't even be interested- cus it's not you."

Jungkook let's his hands drop to his sides. He's never bared his soul like this to anyone before. It feels like he's handed Jimin the controls to his heart. One word, and he could come crumbling down. But somehow none of this feels wrong. He slowly reaches out to hold Jimin's sleeve at his wrist, "Stay, Hyung." he whispers, not knowing what else he can say to help his case.

Fingers grab at Jungkook's wrist and pull his hand away, making him let go.

"Please wait for me, then"

**Author's Note:**

> Twitter: @dee6ciel


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